Growing Old

“That’s just odd,” a kid from behind me said.

“That’s just true though,” his companion replied.

I just came out from watching The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. The instant the end credits rolled in, I’ve etched the movie to my list of lifetime fave movies. Exaggeration? Not much. The plot is indeed “curious” if not nearly illogical. But that’s mostly why I’d say it’s a darn good movie. I loved the actors. I loved how it was written (though sometimes I hoped they could do something with the pacing). I loved how the story twisted into almost unexpected events…

… And though I can animatedly go on with how great the movie is, I just can’t shake off the melancholy the movie brought to me.

Prolly the reason why I loved the movie so much is because it somehow hit home… where it hurts.

Watching it reaffirmed what I’ve feared most. Growing old.

I guess it’s just so ironic how in life, my greatest fear is life itself.

You see, I felt like I’ve been through a lot from the day that I was born. And now that I’m quarter of a century old, bad things just can’t seem to stop happening. I fear that if I go on… I might not be able to take in the next challenge life will put me through. I fear that I may not be able to be strong enough. That sooner I’ll just snap out of my sanity.

When I was a kid, I had this strong notion that I won’t last long till I turn 30. If that were true, I now only have five years left in me. Each night I’d dream of monsters, of death, of an unknown entity chasing me. Each night I’d be sleep walking, sometimes people will see me crying. But sometime right after fifth grade, I stopped dreaming, or maybe stopped remembering them. Somehow I was able to protect myself. But till when I cannot be sure.

And as I grew up, my fears took new forms. I feared that I won’t be loved. I feared that I won’t be a good father. I feared that I won’t be a good husband. I feared that all things that I laboriously toiled for will soon be taken away from me. I feared that I could no longer provide for my family. I feared that all who I love will soon leave me. I feared that I will never find my purpose.

Some people die without finding their purpose.

Each day I say to myself, that if death shall come my way, I’ll welcome it with open arms. I am ready to die more because I want to leave this world while I still can smile, while I still have the energy to endure what life throws in my direction. Very unchristian of me eh? I know.

The movie affirmed my fears. But it somehow assuaged me with a little spark of hope.

I could vaguely remember what the swimmer said after successfully crossing the water. But I remember myself wanting to wrap my tongue to those words of encouragement. That I could, in my own little way, swim across my own deep shit.

And as my wise guru once said, if God puts you through it, God will pull you through it. I guess, for my life, it’s a matter of faith. I really do not know what comes after each day. I really do not know if after today I’d be sane enough to go through another battle.

And unlike its titular protagonist, I have the chance to enjoy life growing old, not in reverse. But like him, I’d like to live my life learning, meeting people of different beliefs, shaping my mind and heart according to the wisdom of each encounter.

And though I might live till only 30 (yes I still have this strong feeling in me), I wish that I could somehow experience being a great dad, provide for my own brood, even to my own kin, and be able to help others. Somehow along the way, I hope to find my purpose in life, and live a satisfied life.

And finally in the end, die with a smiling heart.
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(hehe tinapos ko agad tong post na to, nakatulugan ko kasi, tapos blanko na paggising ko, haha)

On another note, another thing I like about watching movies, is that I also get to watch the trailers. I’ll be waiting for this one…
Dragon Ball… Evolution… yey!