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Saturday, January 24, 2009

Growing Old

“That’s just odd,” a kid from behind me said.

“That’s just true though,” his companion replied.

I just came out from watching The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. The instant the end credits rolled in, I’ve etched the movie to my list of lifetime fave movies. Exaggeration? Not much. The plot is indeed “curious” if not nearly illogical. But that’s mostly why I’d say it’s a darn good movie. I loved the actors. I loved how it was written (though sometimes I hoped they could do something with the pacing). I loved how the story twisted into almost unexpected events…

… And though I can animatedly go on with how great the movie is, I just can’t shake off the melancholy the movie brought to me.

Prolly the reason why I loved the movie so much is because it somehow hit home… where it hurts.

Watching it reaffirmed what I’ve feared most. Growing old.

I guess it’s just so ironic how in life, my greatest fear is life itself.

You see, I felt like I’ve been through a lot from the day that I was born. And now that I’m quarter of a century old, bad things just can’t seem to stop happening. I fear that if I go on… I might not be able to take in the next challenge life will put me through. I fear that I may not be able to be strong enough. That sooner I’ll just snap out of my sanity.

When I was a kid, I had this strong notion that I won’t last long till I turn 30. If that were true, I now only have five years left in me. Each night I’d dream of monsters, of death, of an unknown entity chasing me. Each night I’d be sleep walking, sometimes people will see me crying. But sometime right after fifth grade, I stopped dreaming, or maybe stopped remembering them. Somehow I was able to protect myself. But till when I cannot be sure.

And as I grew up, my fears took new forms. I feared that I won’t be loved. I feared that I won’t be a good father. I feared that I won’t be a good husband. I feared that all things that I laboriously toiled for will soon be taken away from me. I feared that I could no longer provide for my family. I feared that all who I love will soon leave me. I feared that I will never find my purpose.

Some people die without finding their purpose.

Each day I say to myself, that if death shall come my way, I’ll welcome it with open arms. I am ready to die more because I want to leave this world while I still can smile, while I still have the energy to endure what life throws in my direction. Very unchristian of me eh? I know.

The movie affirmed my fears. But it somehow assuaged me with a little spark of hope.

I could vaguely remember what the swimmer said after successfully crossing the water. But I remember myself wanting to wrap my tongue to those words of encouragement. That I could, in my own little way, swim across my own deep shit.

And as my wise guru once said, if God puts you through it, God will pull you through it. I guess, for my life, it’s a matter of faith. I really do not know what comes after each day. I really do not know if after today I’d be sane enough to go through another battle.

And unlike its titular protagonist, I have the chance to enjoy life growing old, not in reverse. But like him, I’d like to live my life learning, meeting people of different beliefs, shaping my mind and heart according to the wisdom of each encounter.

And though I might live till only 30 (yes I still have this strong feeling in me), I wish that I could somehow experience being a great dad, provide for my own brood, even to my own kin, and be able to help others. Somehow along the way, I hope to find my purpose in life, and live a satisfied life.

And finally in the end, die with a smiling heart.
(hehe tinapos ko agad tong post na to, nakatulugan ko kasi, tapos blanko na paggising ko, haha)

On another note, another thing I like about watching movies, is that I also get to watch the trailers. I’ll be waiting for this one…
Dragon Ball… Evolution… yey!

14 mga umutot:

Mugen said...

Lahat tayo my takot. Ako man, ang tanging hiling ko eh mapagsilbihan ang mom ko. I mean that's how long I want to live. After that, I don't see my purpose.

dak said...

First, about the movie. I didn't find it amusing. It was so good to be unrealistic. The movie can make you believe something weird can really and probably happen (even me being a medical student who believes that it will actually not happen). And they made me believe it can. But in the end, he shrink into this fragile child?! It was sooo wrong. The point was there but... reality check, biglang pumasok. sayang.

Getting old is fun, but that's only true up to a certain extent. I am afraid cos I am already turning 24 this year. I feel bad. I feel so unsecured and unsure. it feels like im too old already without anything. I am not afraid of death, I am scared more of life. It's like I am being dragged away without any purpose. I am traveling but boxed in. It's like time is not enough for me. I knoe it's kinda weird but I hope you're getting my point.

jamie da vinci! said...

fear of the unknown really is part of living. but to stagnate ourselves and not live, then that is the true tragedy. it is not really fear but what we make out of it that truly matters. Paul said "in nothing be anxious" and that is a mantra i decide to live by everyday.

lucas said...

Fears are constant part of life and so is choice of what we'll do about them...

i've heard 'button' is a great movie. shame i was not able to watch it. watched babel 2 nights ago. it'd be cool to see pitt and blanchett team up again :)

dragon ball?! great! so goku's the guy from the invisible..interesting.. :)

JP aka handyman said...

i love watching movies, too, especially sad movies.. yun nga lang, it lingers in your heart for a while, lalo na when i watched this korean film the classic, i was like crying silently for a week.

Toilet Thoughts said...

Parang pinagalitan nyo ako lahat sa comments. hehe.wait. bubwelo ako.

Toilet Thoughts said...

@Kuya Joms: Ganyan din nasabi ko dati for my dad. Pero biglang nagkaroon ng love life daddy ko (actually lagi nmn, wala lang nagtagal). Panu kung makahanap ng love life mommy mo (naunahan ka pa). hehe

@dak: yeh. that part was just the weirdest. But I still liked it. A mixture of real life and made up reality. Its hard to go on in life when you're seemingly drifting knowing not where to go.

@Jamie: I'll add that to my list of quotes. Thanks for sharing.

Toilet Thoughts said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Toilet Thoughts said...

@Lucas: maganda ung babel? I haven't watched it.

hehe. I was a dragon ball enthusiast before. hehe.

@JP: what korean classic is that? hmmm...

jonathan said...

To make life worth living, live it rather than fear it. Face the challenges rather than run from it. And since you are still alive and luckier than most, it means that you are stronger in faith and in health.

That's why a seat belt is important, you fasten it around yourself to hold you in your seat.
Your seat belt could be your dad, your dream of having a family, your faith, or your will to live.

Anonymous said...

beautiful thoughts...

i guess we have to conquer fears or else it'd be the other way around.

Toilet Thoughts said...

@Jonathan: Consider my seatbelt fastened. Thank you friend for the reminder. :)

@Carl: True. Though there are times that fears can overthrow all strength you have and you find yourself crying. But sooner you get up again and fight those fears. A moment of relapse can sometimes be unerving.

wanderingcommuter said...

they say once you found your purpose and contentment in your life, growing old is the last thing you'll think about. tanong ko naman: do we really have a purpose? and do we really reach the point of absolute contentment?

Toilet Thoughts said...

Maybe not absolute, but enought o keep us going with a smile. Contentment only lasts for just a short a time. That which lasts longer would prolly mean you're preoccupied with a certain "purpose" at that point in time.


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