Decisions and Obedience

(warning: random unedited emo post, abrupt changes in tenses and persona might give you headaches)

I am nothing. I am but no one. I’ve got nothing to be proud of, nothing to boast. Neither richness nor righteousness. Neither name nor fame. And usually when I fall, I fall hard.

I’ve known and acknowledged this long ago. All that I have, all that I am enjoying are all but graces from Him, easily taken away if He so wishes. Though I’ve also realised that if He wants his blessings be given and enjoyed by one, no force on earth can stop Him in doing so.

In the concept of obedience, my most probable driving force would be love and my promise of commitment to Him. Though admittedly, part of it would also be fear. Fear of losing all that I have. For if I look back, I really didn’t get to where I am right now with solely my own abilities, I’m not even the most intelligent amongst my lot (from a throng of summa cum laude’s and MS holders from wherever part of this world, I am just but a spec of dirt). But I was probably just at the right place and at the right time… seemingly almost orchestrated that I’ve come to enjoy the benefits of those with greater credentials than mine. Orchestrated… I’d wager, by Him.

Thus, with my almost average self, all of my above average (practically best) blessings, can be taken away in a snap. Recent events have shown me that… the loss of my phone and even the death of my car.

Therefore, usually when deciding against what my mind and heart differently wants, I’d be haunted with what my faith dictates is right. In more cases than one, I’d find myself with half baked decisions wanting to compromise with two opposing desires… that from the heart and the other, from my supposedly rational mind.

And more often, we try to justify a wrong situation with another wrong compromise.

Thus, the braver ones would be those who conquer his own desires… for the hardest victory is the victory over self.

Though at the end of the day we find ourselves, broken, almost damaged, but still we’d manage to do what we were meant to do from the start. Our only regret is that in doing so, we would’ve hurt ourselves, and subsequently, others more.

And even if the mind longs for what it has missed, vigilance after all, will soon reap its rewards. It is never easy. We probably share the same sadness over what could’ve beens. But we would have learned and grown both emotionally and spiritually. And eventually we’ll find happiness in peace.

Peace after all is liberty in tranquillity. Free from hiding, from guilt, from internal persecution, from broken vows, from shattered commitments.

And no, I am not questioning one’s stand of morality, if I did, I would’ve lost most of my friends who does not share nor even understand my own views in life. Thus I never insist to instil, which will only cause debate which no one really wins.

Rest assured, all decisions were thought of a hundred times over. All were done with the best intentions.

You were always the stronger one.

Take care. Good bye. Thank you. Thank you.

I am now ready to obey. Thank You for your patience.

Back story: My company closed. I had to choose between two choices. I chose the seemingly harder path. I’m coping. It’s never easy. But I’ll survive. Those were happy memories. Thank you for the hug.