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Monday, June 6, 2011

An open letter (emo/ anger management post)

Yes, an open letter. But this isn’t for any particular person or event that you think would somehow be likened to anyone's "situation". (Nagmo-moment lang ako).

This is to admit to my mistakes. Well, just one of many actually.

I’m a drug addict.

Joke lang. Let’s do this again…

I’m an immature brat.

And if in case I’ve ruined your day for the past few weeks I sincerely apologize. I’ve been trying to understand my own mood swings, but sometimes, they fail to give out neither reason nor logic.

A friend of mine noticed that I usually talk about maturity, of forgiveness, of love and understanding, but would fail to act out on the same advice I’d give others. Practice what you preach, but yeah, I admit to my imperfections. I’m interesting that way :P.

Lemme zero in on my mood swings.

I have this ‘super sweet’ mode that it’s vomit inducing. Then at times I’d switch it to ‘brat/ irked’ mode in a split second. The latter causes me trouble. Thus I try to analyse it for prevention purposes.

I get into that zone when I start getting depressed. Some may have petty reasons, others would stem out from absorbing other’s own depression. It then translates to an irked little brat.

Recently, I was able to identify some reasons for the mood switch.

Childhood memories.

As a kid, I was a perfectionist and very much competitive. I loved how I was in control of so many things, like how I can be better in school and almost everything else against my cousins. But there were things I couldn’t control, like how I was left with my aunt in Batangas while my dad worked in Manila.

And how much of a clumsy little kid I was. A trait that I carried on till now and has caused me numerous accidents including one car crash. It was one major flaw that I couldn’t hide from everyone. I was a walking disaster. I never got spanked since I never really did anything against the “adult’s” orders, or I was simply never caught.

So yes, I get a lot of scolding for all the antique china’s that I’ve broken. But my dad treated it differently. I see him only during the weekends, but one Saturday, my dad was fortunate enough to see me break another thick llanera (those thick oblong almost emerald plates made to serve pasta/ rice).

“Papaluin kita, pero dapat alam mo kung bakit,” my dad sternly commented as I bare my ass for his belt’s mercy.

“opo, nakabasag nanamn po ako ng pinggan,” I answered, though barely audible in between sobs.

Then all of a sudden, he asked me to get up, put on my shorts and said, “sige, at least sa susunod magiingat ka na. Mas importante ka naman sakin kesa sa mga plato na yan. Kaya kong palitan yan, pero ikaw hindi.” Yeah shoot me now for my dad’s cheesy lines. Now you know where I got it from.

I think it was just for my tita’s sake that he had to (supposedly) spank me. But he never really told my tita that I didn’t.

So my point entirely? Hold your breath.

Last weekend, I broke a small plate at a friend’s videoke invite. A wave of emotions filled me, of humiliation, of fear, of embarrassment, I felt stupid, I felt small. I wanted to go home. You think it petty? Yeah, seems like it, but it was not petty for me. I couldn’t get hold of my good mood after that. I was close to tears when it happened.

Then my defenses got all up. I got irked with simple things. I tried to smile but I could not get a real one.

I got irritated easily. Like how a friend stepped on my new shoes and got it dirty. Like how I could now understand how other people have issues …beeep and actually agree with 'em. And how I wasn’t able to go to weekend mercatto. Second phase of my “condition”, I got paranoid, thinking I’m getting left out again. Like I’m again another insignificant being forcing himself up in the company of “so called” friends (yes, same issue of the cabinet incident, and dami kong issues no?). Friends who are there only when it’s all happy and exciting. Yeah, I know, shoot me. Mali na nga ako.

Yes. It was petty, but it was important to me. One little fucking plate started it all. Blame it on the plate.

Thus, I ask for forgiveness. Because I ruined someone’s night out.

Because I wanted to get my frustrations out even if it meant ruining a supposed gimmick.

So there. I am sorry. I’m just childish like that.


(sa mga nasagasaan ng mood swings ko, nahihiya ako mag approach, so please lang, lambingin nyo nalang ako ha! Sorry na kasi!)

7 mga umutot:

red the mod said...

I think I'm the opposite. Friends usually only remember me when they're depressed or troubled. But always, perennially, being left out when it's time to have fun. And yes, pinapatamaan kita. Bwahahaha!

Toilet Thoughts said...

@Red: haha! loko. moment ko to! singit ka pa. joke lang! bwahaha!

magparamdam ka kasi! pero oo nga, may utang pa ako sayo. :P

red the mod said...

Hindi ko kailangang mag-paramdam. Alam mo namang kaladkarin ako. I'm just a text, a cartwheel, and a split je'te away. Ikaw nga itong dedma eh.

Toilet Thoughts said...

nag epistaxis nanaman ako sa "je'te."

may galit ka sakin no?! minumura moko?! je'te ka din! :P

Yj said...

karamihan sa atin, ni hindi alam kung saan nag uugat ang mga kinikilos....

at least ikaw alam mo, it will be so much easier how to work on them.... :))

and i never really had a problem with your sweetness... i like you that way.... :))

Toilet Thoughts said...

naks naman sa "i like you that way"

uy, penge nung pics nung bday ni Kuya D! :P

at nga pala... hope you're ok na. :)

Anonymous said...

You know this is just scratching the surface. And I could hardly categorize this post as an open letter. panay sugar coating.

Yes nang-aaway ako kasi may karapatan ako.

sa ngayon eto na lang muna

There are Reasons and you have Choices.

ill elaborate pag nagkausap na tayo.



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