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by Lourd de Veyra
Published: Mar 26, 2010 - 7:09pm
Because, in the end, words are all we have, said one very, very dead poet. Last year, the editors of the online incarnation of the world's most subliminally gay magazine, FHM, asked me to list down words and phrases that a real man must avoid. Here is an expanded version of that.
"BONGGA"–Increasingly becoming the most evil phrase invented in recent linguistic memory. Two syllables with the greatest damage to masculinity.
"ONE MARGARITA, PLEASE"–Nothing corrodes at the heart of manliness than a silly cocktail glass with salt around the rim and a sickeningly bright liquid that resembles diluted urine and bearing almost zero traces of alcohol.
"CUTE NG BAG MO"–Or just about anything that involves the word cute together with any piece of fashion-related accessory. Shameful minus points for familiarity with French and Italian labels and the words "fake eyelashes."
I'M ON A DIET–This, along with "no rice," "diet Coke," "brown rice," and that crime against all logic and decency, "vegetarian chicharon."
CARBS–What, afraid you won't get your own giant Bench underwear billboard on Edsa?
WORKOUT TAYO, DUDE–If brotherhood is truly global, then we must have the decency to avoid inflicting on fellow members of the species such frightening words.
"ROBERT PATTINSON"–Interchangeable with "Edward Cullen." The fact that we are even familiar with him is indicative of the cracks in our fortress of manhood. Minus 50 macho points for any man who can provide spirited discourse on the Twilight series.
SPA–When the correct term should be "massage parlor."
SALON–There was a time when the world turned on its tranquil axis and men got haircuts from barbers–in barbershops. It was a time of harmony and peace: rusty scissors and murderously sharp straight razors were used, and talcum powder, rubbing alcohol, warm towels, and an assortment of mysterious burning liniments were slapped on napes, necks, and faces. There were no such things as "creative directors," "senior stylists," "shampoo and blowdry," and other silliness.
"BORA"–Ugly, lazy contraction of that noisy, overcrowded island with uglier reggae music and Starbucks. Takes on more emasculating levels when the "R" is not rolled.
"HINDI KAYA NG POWERS KO"–Nothings screams "Darna!" with more passion and silver glitters.
"GREEN TEA MOCHA FRAP WITH EXTRA CINAMMON"–God designed the male species specifically to avoid the consumption of overpriced drinks with pointlessly intricate ziggurats of whipped cream and chocolate.
"THINGIE"–Is it the insufferably cute sound? Or do you say to yourself, "There goes a sensible human being?"
"FAVE"–Sometimes, attempts at terseness tend to misfire.
"INTERIOR DESIGN"–Le Corbusier chairs? Mediterranean walls? Minimalism? Vintage decoupage screens? Mark Hampton? Muji storage shelves? Why, the cave is our natural habitat--and Orocan its only sensible furniture.
"TOTE"–Used in a sentence: "I tote I saw a pussy--not pussy cat. Just pussy."
"LET'S PARTY!"–Manly men will get drunk, stoned, laid, beat the crap out of each other, swim in vomit, tossed unconscious into a cab, and wake up in a strange sidewalk somewhere in Montalban. But they will never, ever fucking party.
GOSSIP GIRL–Self-explanatory.
"ORGANIC" — Remember: The soil is the domain of rich, New Age-types. The hideous factory operated by evil multinationals is where the manly man derives his nourishment; MSG and preservatives are on top of his daily nutritional requirements. The proper synonym for “organic” is “fucking expensive.” The only time the manly man should be using the word “organic” is when referring to drugs.
“LOW”- ANYTHING— “Low-fat,” “low-sodium, “low-calorie,” “low-sugar,” etc. All products containing such ghastly labels contribute to a dishonorable age where all you do is drool and whine to the nurse about your unchanged diaper. Also interchangeable with any deceitful phrase ending in…
“-FREE”— i.e. “cruelty-free,” “guilt-free,” “lactose-free,” “caffeine-free.” How about freeing yourself from all this silliness?
“BULLY”— More often than not used by the bullied and not the bully. No bully ever refers to himself as a “bully.” But such is life. The school ground is a microcosm of the animal kingdom. There’s the hunter and there’s the hunted. Through evolution, animals learn to protect themselves from predators, thus developing natural defense mechanisms. The bullied should stand up for himself by stabbing the bully in the neck with a fork (The Columbine Massacre, on the other hand, is taking things too far). Calling on Mommy and Daddy for backup eventually does more subliminal damage to the kid’s sense of self-worth.
There are unverified studies announcing that bullying eventually results in criminal behavior, alcoholism, drug use and similarly erratic behavior—on the part of the bullied. What a load of crap. Most of the bullies I knew back in school are now in jail or rehab, if not confined to shitty jobs. Sometimes life has a way of balancing out things. Geeks get bullied, but they eventually grow up to be titans of industry or Silicon Valley barons. The fate of bullies? Well, they can be overworked and underpaid security guards of the office building of some remote branch.
“PERSONAL TRAINER”— A natural extension of such unmanly phrases as “abdominal exercise,” “Healthy Options,” “aw shucks,” and “scarf.” Enrolling in a gym is one thing, but paying extra for someone to motivate you is another. How about taking it easy on those cheeseburgers and those choco-strawberry sundaes?
“FRO-YO”— Yogurt is about as masculine as Jennifer Lopez’s “Let’s Get Loud.” Yogurt swerved in swirls and embellished with candied fruits, nuts, caramel syrup, and, the most absurdly ironic topping of all, muesli (as if it could add more years to your life) is the dessert equivalent of a Richard Simmons workout video. Bonus: “MILK TEA”
‘THE NOTEBOOK”— The ultimate chick flick by way of existentialist sap. The element of “death” appears to lend a sense of gravity in this book-slash-movie. Shame on any guy who shed copious tears over this melodrama (thankfully unwatched by me; and basing on the stories, I have no plans of buying the DVD). If you really want genuine emotional catharsis, go see Marley and Me. Neil Young said, “Only love can break your heart.” He forgot to say dying dogs.
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