Giving up

‘What happened to you?’ Clyde’s frown said without any word uttered, but since we’ve been best buds since high school, I kinda knew the word each crease on his forehead would tell.

‘ Life happened to me,’ my crooked smile was silently trying to tell him.

Letting out a deep sigh he moved a step closer and pulled me into an embrace.

“It’s ok to give up, y’know,” he finally said out loud.

I’ve never told him anything. I’ve never even kept him in the loop. I would only see him when I get to drop by his church or visit his son. I even forgot his place is a sure flood zone, storm or no storm, thus I wasn’t able to ask how he and his family were during the flood.

But he has seen me fight all my life. For survival. For food. For fare. For scholarships. For Student assistant posts. For domestic problems. And he saw me succeed one way or another in each of those fights.

But never have I foreseen that I will soon give up on a lot of stuff all at the same time.

I’ve given up on a project that has given me hell, handover starts September. I’ve given up on gym and will try other means to stay fit, thus my enrollment in muay thai. I’m giving up on social networks, I realized I’m not cut out for a showbiz lifestyle (lol). I'm giving up on no-rice-diet (that's just not possible with KFC's HnC) I’m giving up on trying to please people. I'm giving up on my dream to get taller (say no to bradford shoes lol).

I guess it’s not really about starting over. It’s more of merely going back to basics. To what is already there. Purging of the unnecessary. To see that what's left are just the important ones.

Except for Clyde, all of my highschool and colleges tropa have migrated elsewhere. I asked my dad, “can I go drinking with my muay thai classmates?” My dad in all his wisdom glanced at my tattoo clad classmates (no offfense meant to tattoo-ed people) and jokingly whispered, “ober my ded badi (Over my dead body). Bumili ka muna ng St. Peter’s plan.”

“Kung gusto ng kainuman, andito namn ako,” my dad quipped, not wanting to sound like an overprotective pops. I am after all too old for curfews.

He looked at me and smiled. ‘Everyone may have given up on you, but not me,’ his smile seemed to say.

“Tara, ice cream nalang tayo.” And pointed him to a nearby mini stop as we walk away towards my car and towards home.

As such that there are things worth fighting for, there are also things worth giving up.



------------------------------------------------------------------

Hal: You're so pathetic! No matter what side you're on, you're always the loser!

Megamind: There's a benefit to losing: You get to learn from your mistakes.

OTS stickies 04

Toilet Thought's One Thought Sh*T stickies #4

The Enterprise Center, random toilet/ comfort room,

Ayala, Makati City

Note: realized this is too similar to www.thingsweforget.blogspot.com, in case I'm violating any copyright something something, pls feel free to email me at toxic.mind@yahoo.com. In any case, do visit their web page, they;ve got really nice stickies that any of you might be able to relate to. I just wanted to do the same thing here in Manila restrooms/ random places. The blogger is doing it in Singapore. *peace ya'll!*

OTS Stickies 03

Toilet Thought's One Thought Sh*T stickies #03

Office Cubicle, somewhere in the world

Was feeling under the weather last week because of work, until someone shared this sticky note to me. Thank you! *Lightbulb!* Thus if any of you would want to share your own stickies, feel free to send it to me via email at toxic.mind@yahoo.com. Don't forget to mention the location of your sticky note.

_____________________________

Note: realized this is too similar to www.thingsweforget.blogspot.com, in case I'm violating any copyright something something, pls feel free to email me at toxic.mind@yahoo.com. In any case, do visit their web page, they;ve got really nice stickies that any of you might be able to relate to. I just wanted to do the same thing here in Manila restrooms/ random places. The blogger is doing it in Singapore. *peace ya'll!*

Let the Hugger Games Begin!

LOL. Just an addendum to the Hugger post. Can't remember if any of my friends have personal space/ touch issues.

OTS Stickies 02

Toilet Thought's One Thought Sh*T stickies #2

Cardinal Santos Medical Center

Random Corridor

 

Note: realized this is too similar to www.thingsweforget.blogspot.com, in case I'm violating any copyright something something, pls feel free to email me at toxic.mind@yahoo.com. In any case, do visit their web page, they;ve got really nice stickies that any of you might be able to relate to. I just wanted to do the same thing here in Manila restrooms/ random places. The blogger is doing it in Singapore. *peace ya'll!*

Talking it out

(image from here)

There's a certain balance achieved with a particular distribution of silence (listening), talking (discussing) and movement (touching). Like a certain distribution of numerics to each compound or molecule to balance out a chemical equation.



Like when a friend silently and patiently listens to your woes, then gives an encouragement, or a scolding, or even a neutral comment, then gives out a smile, a pat on the back, or a hug.

It is when you are able to vomit out your woes through a steady stream of words, that the flood of sadness ebbs down and suddenly you just feel lighter. It is when your sadness is shared with someoene and somehow transformed to something more bearable.

After all, a shared sorrow becomes half a sorrow; a shared happiness becomes doubled happiness.


To kups, thank you for listening.

OTS stickies 01

Toilet Thought's One Thought Sh*T stickies #1

 

Finally, the sun is up.

 

St. Paul's Hospital, SPICE building, Iloilo City 

(corridor/ toilet)

Note: realized this is too similar to www.thingsweforget.blogspot.com, in case I'm violating any copyright something something, pls feel free to email me at toxic.mind@yahoo.com. In any case, do visit their web page, they;ve got really nice stickies that any of you might be able to relate to. I just wanted to do the same thing here in Manila restrooms/ random places. The blogger is doing it in Singapore. *peace ya'll!*

Our deepest fear

... from the movie, Akeelah and the bee.

Akeelah: [quoting Marianne Williamson] Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.



Dr. Larabee: Does that mean anything to you?


Akeelah: I don't know.


Dr. Larabee: It's written in plain English. What does it mean?


Akeelah: That I'm not supposed to be afraid?


Dr. Larabee: Afraid of what?


Akeelah: Afraid of... me?

Have you ever...

Walked/ stepped only inside a square tile...

or only on lines and avoided space

or only on a certain color of a tile

or maybe just on a specific shape.

I do this alot of times. And somehow it brings me joy.

image from here

Summer Fling

Some find new love. Others get left behind.

It’s amazing how many things can happen. It’s amazing how so much can end.

Like how summer fades, and as how it is here in the tropic regions, the rain would wash away all summer trace.

Back in the days, it was called a shipboard romance. It only lasted as long as the ship was at sea.

But at least summers last longer. So long as the sun still heats up the sands, the fiery atmosphere persists and extends to the loins.

So be careful with your hearts. You simply wouldn’t want to burn and be left behind.

Or maybe you’d be lucky. And find that the sun still shines even during the rains.

For all that it’s worth, and though it is fast ending, don’t forget to have fun in the summer sun.

Summy Fling

KD Lang

Early morning mid-july

Anticipation's making me high

The smell of sunday in our hair...

You ran on the beach with kennedy flair

Sweet, sweet burn

Of sun and summer wind

And you my friend

My new fun thing

My summerfling

laugh...oh how we would laugh

At anything

And so pretend

Forsake the logic

Of perfect plans...

A perfect moment

Slipped through our hands

Sweet, sweet burn

Of sun and summer wind

And you my friend

My new fun thing

My summerfling

Strange...

The wind can change so quickly

Without a word of warning

Rearrange our lives

Until they're torn in two

image from here and here

Matagal na tong naka auto-post for the end of summer (2011). Pero with friends' circumstances/ recent events baka ma-bigyan pa ito ng meaning. Wag gawan ng issue pls. Ayaw ko na tong ipa-auto post for 2013. LOL.

Bubble Gum

Corporate politics...


I treat them like bubble gum.

You just have to chew it,

but you don't need to swallow.

20 things I'd like to say to certain/"random" people

Gagaya lang ako muna kay madz. Ang dami ko din gusto sabihin sa kung sino sinong tao, kulang ang bente. Kung sumobra pasensya na, baka everyday may dagdag yan pag naalala ko. Pero ito muna:

1. Oist! Malapit na naman pasukan nyong dalawa, umayos kayo. 3rd year na. Kng di kayo makapasok sa UP ibibitin ko kayo patiwarik.



2. Buti nagdecide kayong isama ako sa beach week after next, baka mabaliw nako. Wala lang sanang talks about work.


3. Sorry for not giving you much of my time.


4. Don't think na you're just a meantime friend. You're my bestbud, no matter what.


5. You've done so much for me possibly more than most of my friends have in 4yrs. Don't think I don't value that. I may be quite inconsistent, but I never really left or even changed. I'm still me.


6. No. No. No. No, in all accounts of whatever accusation. I've never done those, I just hope you make that clear to your friends I don’t want them condemning me for something I didn’t do.


7. I'll pray for your happiness as well.
8. Green makes my heart skip a beat.


9. Papayat din ako mokong ka!


10. Ang stressful mo lang talaga katrabaho. Sa totoo lang.


11. Gusto kong mag picnic. Sorry kung lagi akong nagcacancel or di sumisipot sa lakad.


12. I wanna travel. As in TRAVEL not for work pero for vacation!


13. Walang aarte arte sa cebu ha. Kelangan lahat cowboy.


14. You deleted me first in twitter. Discovered it only when I needed to confront you with your tweets. But since you feigned nonchalance, I decided to delete you nalng lest I'm the one who gets stressed out.


15. It doesn't mean na easy easy lang itsura ko na madali lang sakin ang lahat. Magaling lang ako magdala.


16. Wag nyo ako aawayin, wala akong energy makipag away. Really. Ask my friends, I'm not good with confrontations, iyakin ako.


17. Natali nako sa project mo, ipadala mo ulit ako sa Paris pls!


18. Pagnalaman kong ginagago moko bubugbugin kita. Ur risks are not as big as mine. business deal yan diba?


19. You deserve the best.


20. Mahal Kita. Sigurado ako.

21. Happy mother's day po.

Master Card

Purchases are usually like that – you run after the stocks and pay from your own purse. Or in some instances, you swipe your card from your purse and other people chase you for it.

In life we make a lot of purchases. Not necessarily things that you buy off a window, but it could be things introduced to your life, wanted it or not, good or bad. And with whatever “purchase” you make, you’d have to pay for it one way or another.

I’ve had my own share of “purchases.” Some are personal choices, others brought about by circumstances. But what amazes me is how most of them aren’t truly paid for by me.

Sure, I try to purchase provisions for my family, paying for it by working hard and trying to be efficient no matter how toxic I get. I climb up the medical-corporate ladder at the expense of my time, effort, sanity and sleep. Just a crack at my goal, that one big break is is given but at the expense of health. But as the basic law of physics would tell you, there is always a reaction for every action. Karma. Next thing you know you’re in a ditch where efforts of climbing out is futile.

But what I notice in all these purchases is God’s hand and how things work towards a common end. It’s never really to dig a hole for you six feet beneath the ground, but to dig a tunnel for you to crawl yourself out of in the end. It’s like an irritating alarm clock, stirring you up from your deep slumber. You half heartedly open your eyes, squinting at it and realizing that you have to rise up from your bed.

Karma launches its missiles and shoots ammunitions gearing to blow you up into pieces, broken and helpless. God’s hand patches you back together, renewed and wiser, aiming to bring you back to glory like nothing has happened. They say karma collects, but in reality, you only experience the payment, God reimburses you afterwards.

Like that time when I had a car accident. The car tumbled down below a bridge and declared a total wreck. But I came out of it unharmed with just a few scratches. A week or two later, the insurance got approved and I got a new car. Lessons from that incident made me change some things.

Just recently I got sick. The bills shot up to 90K like I just had a C-section. I didn’t have a local health card so I did what I had to do – pay all of it with the money I was saving for a rainy day. So I did what I had to do – pay the bill with the money I have been saving for a raining day. A week later, HR asked me to sign some forms and lo and behlold! Eight weeks later, almost the whole amount was reimbursed back to me.

(Side thought: Funny, though, because it felt like all the money I worked hard and saved for while having little to no regard for health just went to getting my health back.)

Thus I realize I really can’t be all too proud of any of my achievements in life or even my victories from dire situations. For all of my successes were from His blessings, easily taken away from me if He so wanted it. For all of my victories were not from my own efforts, but from His mercies, given despite my unworthiness.

With most things, I pay it all with my life’s card. But I realize in the end it is really not of my own debit card. It’s from my Master’s card.

There are some things money can buy. For everything else, there’s Master’s card.

Side note: Just take note, cards sometimes get rejected. We can’t always have them like licenses to be wild and make mistakes.

Playing pretend

Be careful of what you pretend to be
you are what you pretend to be
- Kurt Vonnegut

But what if you're me,
cannot see which is real or which is pretend
but I guess I am what I pretend to be,
and all those things added in the blend.
yeah, o schizo me.

-------------------------------------

Sometimes I ask myself, am I (this) good (person) pretending to be bad, or bad pretending to be good. Or maybe both. There's always a bad side in all of us afterall.

Boredom and waiting for a late research assistant does this to you.

Healing

We all have something to forgive ourselves for,

aside from that which we need to ask forgiveness from others.

Limang klase ng kaibigan na kelangan ng Freshies

image source

Lumabas na ang UPCAT results:

http://upcat.up.edu.ph/results/


Lumabas na din UST results:
http://myuste.ust.edu.ph:8888/admission/results.jsp


Lumabas na din La Salle results:
http://www.dlsu.edu.ph/admissions/undergraduate/entrance.asp


Kaya, may payo ang opismate ko sa mga freshies? Para maka-survive ka sa college, kelangan makahanap ka ng limang (5) klase ng mga kaibigan. Madalas, sa pagbuo ng isang barkada, ito ang mga dapat isaalang-alang. Pwedeng overlapping ang roles, pero dapat lahat ng lima na un ma-satisfy. Para sa kahit anong pagsubok, makaya mo sa loob ng kolehiyo.


Una.


Ang Kaibigang dikit. Sya ung lagi mong kasama sa lakwatsa, sa kalokohan. Sya ung una mong napapagsabihan ng sikreto.


Pangalwa.


Ang katabi mong nagpapakopya. Sya ung pag di mo nagawa ang assignments mo, sya ung maasahan mo na magpakopya sayo. Sya din ung sa tuwing exams, willing ipakita at igilid ang papel nya para makita mo. Sya din ung minsang napapasahan mo ng sulat sa crush mo sa kabilang row. Pero tandaan, hindi lahat ng nagpapakopya matalino (refer to pangatlo). Madalas, sila lang ung maloloko.


Pangatlo.


Ang matalino na pwede kang turuan. Konektado ito sa pangalawa. Pero hindi kasi lahat nagpapakopya, at hindi lahat ng nagpapakopya matalino. Pero mas madali kung may isang matalino na bago mo pa man kailanganing kumopya, ay willing ka muna turuan. Sya ung namumuno ng group reviews. Sya ung achiever. Sya ung laging may medalya.


Pang apat.


Mayamang nanlilibre. Ito ang di pwede mawala. Pano na sa lakwatsa, kailangan may lagging taya. Sya ung napapagutangan mo pag nagamit mo na lahat ng allowance mo pero kailangan mo pang magbayad ng photocopy. Madalas idadamay ka na din nya sa photocopy.

At Pang Lima.


Ang utusan. Kung may di pwede mawala, sya naman ang di pwede maiwan. Sya ung taga bitbit. Taga bili ng merienda. Taga sulat minsan tapos iphophotocopy ng lahat. taga bili ng materials sa projects.


Kung wala ka naman sa skwelahan, pwede mo pa din ito pag pulutan ng aral sa pag buo ng barkada mo.


O kung may barkada ka man ngayon… alin ka dito?

Sadness

“You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.”

― Jonathan Safran Foer

---------------------------------------------
I'll be back from blogging once I'm ready. I'm just not in the condition to write anything yet. Just wanted to let everyone know that I'm still alive. Assuming you care. :P

Peace out!

re-Fill

It doesn't really matter whether

your glass is half full

or is half empty.

What you can do is empty its contents

For you to fill it with something new.

image from here

The Guide

image from here

Sometimes in life, we chance upon people who bring you back to the path you were originally supposed to take.


Exactly at the same time when you forget.

People who, unknowingly, bring you back to reality and give you small life lessons. Small encounters that give big life-changing realizations.

I met two such person recently.


Two who unknowingly led by example.

Two who gave truth to the saying that angels do reside on earth.


And people pass by for a reason.

I call them my short course teachers.


My unknowing guides.

Canis Canem Edit

Image fom here

A topic on the radio got my attention some months back. Chico and Del on RX were talking about bullies and related 'em to dogs (Chico being a known pet lover and all).



They once heard of a woman who consulted a pet trainer about her new dog that's frequently being barked at and attacked by two other older dogs. She wanted to know how to solve her problem with those bullying dogs. The pet trainer told her that the problem lies NOT with the bullies but with the one being bullied.


The new dog needed to assert itself in the pack for it to "belong" or be accepted. The dog was clearly weak, and weakness had no place in the pack. Expect to be attacked if you show signs of weakness. The dog clearly lacked the instinct to survive. And the other dogs were just acting on instinct.


I've noticed that it's the same thing with the world we live in. It's a dog eats dog culture. Only the fit will survive.


In the human world, it’s been clearly identified and established that bullies are THE problems. We've tried solving them one way or another. But looking at it from a different perspective, shouldn’t we also be equipping the weak with the right defenses?


Schools are of a special case, I guess. We try to protect the young ones from being attacked and hope that somewhere along the way, they develop a backbone and start to at least give out a confident stance and cease becoming a magnet for trouble.


However, the corporate world presents a different environment altogether. If you find dissatisfaction at the bottom, you'll find yourself fighting for your place on top. In each of us, there's a hungry politician waiting for the right time to lunge for power. It doesn't have to mean that all would have to play dirty, but fact still remains that all needed to play.


I've looked into Facebook and wondered what happened to the "weak" during high school. The lives of most of them took a turn for the better and are already in better, if not the best, careers; with a new "do" and a new beau. However, there are still some who are still asking to be talked about and, well… ridiculed. I was itching the other day to send a message to one high school classmate and tell him “dude, not those kind of profile pictures, please! That's social suicide.” But of course we were not really close. I don't want to be a villain in all this, as that would be too superficial of me.


I ask myself, have I somehow been a bully to some of those who came and went in my life? Perhaps… I'm thinking that despite my uber friendly personality and unicorn-rainbow filled outlook in life, I'd say yes. Yes, I may have caused someone pain one way or another.


Let me get things straight - I detest bullying, but I wouldn't want to pamper and overprotect. Life sometimes teaches in the harshest way. People need to fall and scrape their knees sometimes to be able to learn how to get up and heal. Some lessons are not learned by taking a cue from other people’s experience.


My little brother got bullied during his first year in high school. Same with his older brother, he came from a public school, then transferred to a private nun-ran school. They probably stood out like a sore thumb, they lacked the confidence to stand ground and fight back.


Jay got picked on by the bigger guys, hit and even peed on. But good thing he had Jethro to back him up. Together they were stronger.


One time Jay got picked on two blocks from our house. A kid ran to the house and called on Jethro, who rushed with fists raring to connect with the bullies’ face. They got a heck of a scolding when they got back home, but I was sure, my dad was proud. I sure was. They were finally learning to fight back.


In time, the two of them learned to walk with a swag, got into music and became basketball varsity players. Soon girls swarmed at our our gate. Two or three girls would go to fetch my brothers for whatever practice they needed to do.


What have I learned with this experience? There’s strength in numbers. Having someone to back you up makes the difference. You may not fight the same battle, but you get to draw strength from another.


Dogs come in a pack for a reason.


As no man is an island.


We all need someone.


We all are needed by someone.


Thus, if you think you are needed, be there for that person.


For we all fight our battles. But battles don't have to be fought alone.


Lest you wanted to be eaten by dogs.

It's a dog eat dog kinda world after all.